


burden

by chngki



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Light Angst, M/M, changki, changki rise, i guess, kikyun, or maybe not, pls yell at me at the comment, trigger warning??, words of vomit, yep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 14:44:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14287194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chngki/pseuds/chngki
Summary: Where did it went wrong? Changkyun thought.





	burden

Changkyun knew. Knew all about things that Kihyun has been trying to hide from him, from other members in the dorm. Changkyun isn't a fool and Kihyun should know that.

 

 

Everything is so obvious now, Changkyun thought.

 

 

 

At first Changkyun thought Kihyun was just on a diet; trying to lose some pounds for the upcoming comeback. When he don't want to eat the dinner with the others using a "I don't want my face to looks swollen for tomorrow photoshoot" as an excuse to go on with and left since all the members know his face gets easily swollen up and just let him past. They let him pass, just like that.

 

 

  
Always like that.

 

 

  
Changkyun grimances at the thought.

 

The thought that Kihyun vomit in the toilet in the restaurant where they got a little gathering with the staff when they won the first place at the music show. Changkyun intention to go to the toilet to wash his hands and get away from a few drunken staff who makes him feels stuffy. Changkyun expect theres no one in the toilet since others people are trying to get themselves drunk at that night, but what Changkyun didn't expect is to hear some gagging sounds from one of the cubicle in the toilet. At that, Changkyun decide to stay silently.

 

Its sounds like a painful, and a forceful vomit. Changkyun thought.

 

Another thing that Changkyun didn't expect is to see Kihyun walked out from that certain toilet cubicle, wiping the corner of his lips with his sleeve. Kihyun seemed shocked too with the presence of the younger but he casually walked to the sink beside Changkyun; washing his hand and his now dirty sleeve.

Changkyun remember the excuse Kihyun gave to him that day. His stomach feels funny, maybe because the food; Kihyun said.

 

 

And Changkyun believed him.

 

 

 

 

He always did, because he _trust_ Kihyun.

 

 

  
When a fan pointed out that Kihyun lose so much weight, Changkyun starts to notice how prominent Kihyun's cheekbones now. How his thigh gap is so much wider now. Kihyun will always tell the fans that he do eat a lot and he also work out for the past few days. Changkyun can only stare at stare blankly at his iced americano on his hands. Trying to pretend he doesn't care or heard what Kihyun just said to the fans.

 

  
When Kihyun proudly or should Changkyun said accidentally said he only ate half of an apple for the whole day for the photo shoot on vlive, he can see Kihyun's eyes blink nervously but he quickly put up his facade and said he eats twice more than he always do after the photo shoot, but of course, Changkyun didn't buy that kind of lies anymore from Kihyun.

 

 

Changkyun think he had enough of it, with all of those things he has witnessed. It's not the second or the third time he heard Kihyun vomit after they all have an eat together after schedules ends. It's not the first time he saw Kihyun mumbles some incoherent things to himself when he checks himself in the mirror; trying to grab non-existent 'fat' on his body.

 

  
Changkyun's heart hurts so much seeing how anxious and insecure Kihyun is now about his looks. He feels like the old confident Kihyun is now gone. When Changkyun looked to Kihyun's eyes, he feels like he is looking to an empty dark void.

 

 

Changkyun feels like he might be losing Kihyun soon if he don't do anything about it.

 

 

 

 

  
Is Changkyun scared of losing Kihyun? Yes.

 

 

He does.

 

 

 

 

  
The world tour come to its end. World Tour is sure exhausting; trying to adjust your sleep schedule and trying to fit in with the little amount of time always has been tiring for all of the members but its worth it, to meet with their fans.

Changkyun does his best to always monitor on Kihyun. Trying to atleast gave him fruits since he don't want Kihyun to vomit back the food if he gave something too 'heavy' for Kihyun's liking.

  
Now they are back to Korea, given a few days off after months of working hard for non-stop. Changkyun had decide to have a talk with Kihyun. He needs to or else.

 

 

It's Thursday, the third day in their days off. Changkyun hasn't talk with Kihyun, yet. He wants Kihyun to have some rest because he looks so tired.

 

 

 

He always looks tired though, Changkyun sighed.

 

 

 

That night, Minhyuk has suggest to play bowling since they don't really have any other things to work on. Changkyun was about to join Minhyuk, Jooheon and Shownu but decide not to go because Kihyun has declined the offer. As for Hyungwon, he just simply shrugged off Minhyuk's offer to join them with an excuse 'I need to catch up on the sleep that I've sacrificed over this few months'. Wonho had decide he will just go to the gym, since its a good time for him to work out.

 

 

So, with the others has gone doing what they wanted to do, Changkyun is now left alone with Kihyun in the living room; both sprawled on the couch watching whatever it is on the tv screen. Changkyun is fidgeting a lot with his fingers, trying to put his words carefully to ask Kihyun about the things that he has trying to hide from him and others member.

 

"Hyung", Changkyun said softly. Breaking Kihyun blank stare on the tv to look at his face with a questioning look.

 

"Hm?", Kihyun replied.

 

 

Changkyun bit his tongue. Kihyun looks so fragile, his breathing is so soft, the bags under his eyes looks so heavy. He looks so tired, Changkyun sighed.

 

 

"Can we go for a walk? I want to have some night air", Changkyun said; looking away from Kihyun.

 

His heart hurts seeing Kihyun looking so thin and tired like that. Plus, he don't want to talk about 'those' things in their dorm with Hyungwon probably not asleep even though its a really thin paper of chance he didn't.

 

Changkyun and Kihyun kinda have this kind of secret code where they asked each other to go for a walk where they meant they need to talk about something that has been bothering them. It has been like that after they debut.

 

 

Kihyun look at him with concern.

 

 

"Sure, let me go for a change to more decent clothes", Kihyun replied.

 

  
Changkyun sighed in relief after Kihyun got up from the couch to go for a change. Changkyun is nervous because the things they gonna talk is not about Changkyun problem even though its kind of his because he cares so much about Kihyun. He just don't want Kihyun to feels like he is bothering his life by telling what he should do and what he shouldn't do. Theres alot of things is running inside of Changkyun's mind and he is trying to sort it real carefully so he doesn't seems like he is rude or something like that when he's gonna have a talk with Kihyun.

 

Changkyun and Kihyun walked slowly around the neighnourhood where its now dead silent, considering its already late at night and people are now getting their rest after a long day. Changkyun decide not to take this things so long because Kihyun also need his rest.

They walked to the playground, sitting on the swing. Kihyun is swingging his swing slowly, quietly humming a melody and playing with his legs, not knowing what Changkyun was gonna talked about but he sure do will listen to the younger's problem because thats what they both always do. Lean at each other. Even though Kihyun now don't really want to lean to Changkyun anymore. He don't want to be a burden because he thinking he had enough being a burden to everyone else, and that include his beloved guy next to him, Im Changkyun.

  
Changkyun licked his lips before he about to open a sensetive subject to Kihyun. Sighing softly, he tried to shake off the uneasiness that laid in his stomach.

He have to do this, for the both of them. For Kihyun's health.

  
"I..." Changkyun started. Kihyun stopped his swing, turning his head to Changkyun; giving his attention to the latter.

"This is not about me, and I don't want to be that guy who you probably think I'm trying to budge in to your business. This has been bothering me so much, and you know that I love you", Changkyun trailed off, tigthening his grasp on the swing. He looks to Kihyun's now slitghtly worried eyes.

"If you gonna talk about 'that' particular things, you better stop", Kihyun said; cutting Changkyun's word mid sentence.

Kihyun's eyes is cold and Changkyun didn't like it at all. He knows Kihyun is putting up a mask to hide all of his pain. It's not like he doesn't know Kihyun cried himself to sleep, or cried by himself when he is in the shower. Changkyun is tired with it, and he knows Kihyun is too. Mentally and physically.

  
"No, we gonna talk about it. I care--"

 

"Since when did you know" Kihyun butted in; looking at down to his feet. His jaws tigthening so does his grip on the swings.

"Does it even matters when did I know? Your life is on the line, hyung" Changkyun said softly.

"Why do you even do this? My heart hurts seeing you always tired and putting up a mask. You keep trying to hide and act like it is all okay when it is not. Why are you like this? I thought we agree to be there for each other but why are you trying to hide those things from me, hyung?" Changkyun said in defeated. Looking at Kihyun with a sad eyes.

 

 

"Don't look at me like that, I don't want your pity" Kihyun said coldly. Sighing as he stand up to leave. He doesn't have time to talk about this kind of things. He don't even want to talk about this at all.

 

 

 

"Really?" Changkyun said in disbelief. How can Kihyun think he is thinking so poorly about the boy when he is just purely concerned about him and his well being.

 

 

 

"Let's just not talk about this. I don't want to talk about this and please just forget everything that you know, Changkyun. I think this is enough", Kihyun said; trying to walk away from him but Changkyun grab his wrist just in time.

 

 

 

"Can't you atleast see that I really care for you? Just once, please let the walls down, for me Kihyun" the latter plead. He heart ache so much for the guy infront of him who keeps trying to shut him off.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Theres nothing" Kihyun said softly.

 

 

 

 

  
"Theres nothing to tell. I just hate how I looks, how my thigh looks so wide compare to the others members. How some of the comments keep saying I looks like I've gained some tons of weight. How the company told me to go on diet and giving such heavy task for the recent comeback", Kihyun pried the younger hands off of him.

 

 

Kihyun sighed heavily.

 

 

  
"I'll be fine, really. Don't worry" Kihyun smiled.

 

 

 

"Fine? What kind of joke is that? I'm not a kid and you know that. You purged back the food you just ate, and you said you'll be fine? Hyung, you are hurting yourself and that hurts me too"

 

 

  
Kihyun frowns, his eyebrows scrunched. He pinched the bridge of his nose in distress.

 

 

  
"Please let me help you. I won't tell about this to the others. Just please, let me help you. I won't force anything if you don't want. I just want you to be healthy back" Changkyun said sincerely. Looking at Kihyun with some glint of hope in his eyes; Kihyun can see that and he doesn't have the heart to push the younger away.

 

 

  
Kihyun sighed for the nth time.

 

 

 

  
"Changkyun", Kihyun started.

 

 

 

 

  
"I'm sorry"

 

 

 

 

 

  
"...but I don't really need your help. And I will just be fine on my own. Let's just stop it here. Please stop caring about me, I never asked that. Also, please mind your own bussiness. I'm sorry, but I don't need your help at all"

 

 

 

Kihyun shrug off Changkyun weak hands that trying to hold onto him.

 

  
Kihyun walked to his studio, not feeling like going back to the dorm. He needs time on his own.

 

 

He is tired.

 

  
Tired of everything.

 

 

 

 

Changkyun is now alone, at the playground. Eyes brimming with tears as he feels like the worlds around him is collapsing.

 

 

 

 

Where did it went wrong? Changkyun thought.

 

**Author's Note:**

> idk what im doing so you all are free to yell at me on the comment!!!


End file.
